i thought i just had the blahs for the past week or so. i haven't been able to get into anything, i haven't been able to enjoy anything. then i realized it was getting progressively worse. today i wanted to weep! i looked at the calendar and everything started to make sense.
three years ago i lost my first pregnancy. it was traumatic. it took 8 days. i'll never be the same again.
i realized today that i'd been thinking about that time a lot this past week. this is the cause of my blahs. i don't really long for the child i lost- if i had that child i wouldn't have bean. i'm actually not even really sad anymore.... i'm angry.
i'm angry because when i found out that i was pregnant with bean i could not be happy- i was scared and filled with doubt. there were no smiles, no tears of joy, no excited phone calls, no celebrating of any kind. my husband and i sat on the bed, he put his arm around me, we were filled with fear. we were together but so alone in our fear. it pushed us apart and separated us when we should have been closer than we have ever been before. what should have been one of the happiest days of our lives was not.
i'm angry because i'm so damn envious of those who experience the rush of joy over being pregnant. you know, the ones who tell everyone the second that the pregnancy test is positive. i couldn't tell anyone, telling people you are no longer pregnant is the worst thing and i just couldn't go through that again. i'm angry that every time someone tells me they are pregnant that i can't be happy for them until they are well into the second trimester.
i'm angry because i can't even think about having another child without the FEAR looming in my mind. i'm angry because it could happen again and this time i might have to explain it to my little girl.
i know this is a total downer. i apologise. i'm hoping that letting it out will bring me the release that i need to move forward.
i look at my daughter. i thank god that she is with me. i don't know what i would do with out her beautiful face in my life.
1 comment:
HUGS! I have never been through a miscarriage so I can only imagine the pain and lasting anger over it. Your Little Bean is a real miracle for you! I can understand the crippling fear - but remember, lots of people go on to have multiple successful pregnancies after a miscarriage!
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