Best Shot Monday

i did not purposely take a picture of half my little girl's face. she was picking dandelions. i zoomed in for a close up. daddy pulled in the driveway and got out of the car. she looked over and smiled at her daddy just as i took the picture. had i not been zoomed in so close i might have gotten her whole face... but i kinda like it the way it is. (i did crop off a little of the extra on the left hand side to give the image a little more balance) normally i would have deleted this picture thinking it was a failure, i'm glad i didn't. hop on over to tracey's and share your best shot of the week!!

i sing "rock a-bye baby" to bean before she goes to bed. when it gets to the line "and down will come baby" i drop her into her crib. she giggles then asks for her blanket. the other day i walked into her room she was holding one of her babies and singing "rock a-bye baby"!! she knew almost every word. she gently rocked the baby back and forth and kissed her as she sang- just like i do with her. sigh. do i have to tell you that my heart turned to goo right there on the spot!!! watching your child imitate you in such a manner is incredible... makes you think that maybe you are doing something right after all! HA!

The Blahs

i thought i just had the blahs for the past week or so. i haven't been able to get into anything, i haven't been able to enjoy anything. then i realized it was getting progressively worse. today i wanted to weep! i looked at the calendar and everything started to make sense.
three years ago i lost my first pregnancy. it was traumatic. it took 8 days. i'll never be the same again.
i realized today that i'd been thinking about that time a lot this past week. this is the cause of my blahs. i don't really long for the child i lost- if i had that child i wouldn't have bean. i'm actually not even really sad anymore.... i'm angry.
i'm angry because when i found out that i was pregnant with bean i could not be happy- i was scared and filled with doubt. there were no smiles, no tears of joy, no excited phone calls, no celebrating of any kind. my husband and i sat on the bed, he put his arm around me, we were filled with fear. we were together but so alone in our fear. it pushed us apart and separated us when we should have been closer than we have ever been before. what should have been one of the happiest days of our lives was not.
i'm angry because i'm so damn envious of those who experience the rush of joy over being pregnant. you know, the ones who tell everyone the second that the pregnancy test is positive. i couldn't tell anyone, telling people you are no longer pregnant is the worst thing and i just couldn't go through that again. i'm angry that every time someone tells me they are pregnant that i can't be happy for them until they are well into the second trimester.
i'm angry because i can't even think about having another child without the FEAR looming in my mind. i'm angry because it could happen again and this time i might have to explain it to my little girl.
i know this is a total downer. i apologise. i'm hoping that letting it out will bring me the release that i need to move forward.

i look at my daughter. i thank god that she is with me. i don't know what i would do with out her beautiful face in my life.

On girls... and boys

people often ask me if i will have another child. honestly, there was a time when i didn't think that i wanted to. bean was a very good kid BUT a handful at the same time. i wasn't sure i could wrangle another one! now, well i think i've changed my mind. i kind of miss having a baby. toddlers are AWESOME but not very snugly- if you have one i'm sure you know what i mean. the problem is... i would SO want another girl. i wanted a girl the first time and i REALLY want another one. i don't have the slightest idea what i would do with a boy! i watch people with little boys. boys are so.... different! you would think that when they are this little they would be similar, but i don't think so. its not that i don't like boys! little boys can be lovely! i just don't know how to have a little boy... if that makes sense. i know there are lots of people who think that you should be happy just to have a child and shouldn't be picky about the gender. i know that is right but i can't help what my heart wants. i know what it is like to spend several years trying to get pregnant. i know what it is like to loose a baby. i know that a healthy child is all i should wish for. but at the same time, i REALLY want a girl. i'm a girl's mom. i am.
so to answer the question... yes, maybe we will have another child. hopefully it does not take over 2.5 years like it did the first time. hopefully i will not have to go through another miscarriage. and hopefully the baby will be healthy. AND if it is another girl, that will just be the icing on the cake.

bean has been playing with her sunglasses. she is such a little movie star in them... ok, more like the stunt double but that's ok too! today she attempted to put them on the dog! poor magpie! she didn't know what to do and kept throwing me these dagger like stares. if looks could kill! HA!

Dance the Night Away!

saturday night we went to a wedding. we took little bean (she was our excuse to leave early). however, she did quite well. other than loudly declaring "i want cake" in the middle of the ceremony several times, it was smooth sailing. at the reception i found her a little out of the way place where she could dance and jump without bothering anyone. she was quite happy with that. so happy that she was still dancing around an hour past her bedtime! oh! she also learned how to shake her booty! very cute indeed!!
at the wedding the photographer handed out business cards saying that if you followed the directions on the back of the card you would be able to see the wedding photos online. i thought that was kind of cool... until i read the card. under the directions it says this: "your online order will help the couple with their required minimum purchase." it suddenly felt tacky to me. is it just me? please tell me you think it is tacky too!

what you don't want to hear through the baby monitor:
"mommy! need wash hands. got poopy hands mommy. need wash 'em!" yeah, she pooped then stuck her hands down her diaper! ewwwwwwww! why, oh why must she do these things!!!! sigh.

Best Shot Monday

here it is, monday already!! here is my best shot of the week. little bean loves playing in her sandbox- LOVES IT! so while she wasn't really paying attention i took some pictures- of course! i liked this one because her eye lashes looked so beautiful. So, i edited it to make them more noticable. i think it is a lovely picture now- of course it is of my child which makes me VERY biased!
how about you? do you have a best shot of the week? come on over to tracey's and share it with us... you know you want to!!

Cutie Bean

there is my cutie bean! i dressed her up for playgroup yesterday. she looked so cute in her little skirt and sandals! god how i love little girl clothes!!!! she even allowed me to put a barrette in her hair. wow!
yesterday there were NO major food battles. i'm not sure why but she was much better. we did argue about drinking her milk. but we discussed it and decided that she would drink it in a "big girl cup" with mommy's help. yeah, she spilled some on herself but she got most of it in her. she needs to learn to use a real cup eventually so why not start now? today was a different story. the fight wasn't much different but in the end she ate everything i gave her, so it was better.

bad thing of the day... bean told me she wanted a drink. i told her to let me finish putting her laundry away and i would get her one. suddenly she appears at her bedroom door with a cup in her hand. she says "good water"and tips the cup, water is everywhere. i ask her where she got the water. she points to the dog dish. my daughter drank dog water, and i really don't know how much. ewwwwwwwwwww!

Before and After

tracey, over at picture this, is talking about before and afters- you know, when you take a picture that is borderline crappy and turn it into something good.
i edit a lot. mostly because my point and shoot digital camera is old. many times the color or lighting in the picture i take is just plain bad and i have to make some minor adjustments. sometime the whole picture just needs help though! like the image to the left here. bean is trying to kiss her little friend bubba. the subject matter is cute, but the image is cluttered and the lighting isn't great. BUT....


this is what i did with it. i'm pretty pleased with it. now it is adorable.

i've done some experimenting with other pictures but sadly i haven't always saved the original. then one day i realized the fixed up picture was even more satisfying when i could remember how bad it was! HA!

i guess another reason i like to edit my photos is because i studied art in college- i painted and sketched and all that. now that i'm a mom i don't have much time to paint but i do have time to make a few mouse clicks. it is art without the mess. ha ha! enjoy!

Sand + Toddler = Good Fun

yes, it was nice enough to use the sandbox yesterday! she LOVED it. the concept of keeping the sand in the box hasn't sunk into her head yet, but what can you do? :) it took her a little while to actually get in the sandbox but once she did- well just look at the picture. good times, good times. she also figured out how to use the shovel to pour sand into her coat pockets... what?!?! why???
side note- it is amazing how much sand a fully dressed toddler can get into their diaper. ooh, that can't feel good!

tantrum city yesterday- this time over a peanut butter sandwich! she said she didn't like it, i told her that she had to try at least one bite before she could have anything else. and so began the battle of wills! she sat for nearly 2 hours and WOULD NOT touch that sandwich! she NEVER touched that sandwich. my sister was amazed at the will power bean displayed and said her kid would have caved after she watched everyone else eat strawberries and cantaloupe. not my kid, my kid is determined to have her way. and it is SO NOT FUN!!!!!!! so basically she had no lunch yesterday. everyone says, "oh she will eat when she is hungry." after today i'm not so sure.....

On Tantrums and Sickness

ok, you know how i said that the bean was becoming a sass master. yeah, she is also i tantrum master now. witness exhibit a: this picture of my darling child. you see, she is wearing a pair of pants that were mine when i was her age. as you can probably see, i was born in the highly fashionable 1970's! (you are all jealous of the pants- aren't you?!?) HA! i think that it is fun to occasionally put clothes on bean that i wore as a child. well, bean saw these pants in my hand and told me "no like pants, mommy" and she started to cry. i'm a super big meanie and put them on her anyways. it was bad enough that i put the evil pants on her but i was also trying to take her picture- oh my word, such injustice! so she FREAKED out and tried to hide so i couldn't take her picture in the hated pants. it was like she was embarrassed to have the pants on!!! (let's do be honest, of all the seventies pants out there these are NOT that bad! they could be SO much worse, right?) to make a long story short, in the end she flung herself on the floor and bawled and screamed. over pants! now, i do know that i am 100% responsible for this tantrum seeing as i put the pants on her even though she didn't like them. BUT, i write about this tantrum because of 25 she had that day, this is the only one that makes me laugh- so there!

so yeah, bean has a snotty nose. she woke up with it sunday and it got worse yesterday- runs like a little faucet. fun, huh? it gets better, she decided to share her lovely snot producing germs... with me. BAH! so i didn't sleep last night because i couldn't breathe. i wanted to take something but alas the medicine cabinet was bare. sigh. motherhood- gotta love it! ;)

Best Shot Monday

ahhh! remember a few weeks back when it was warm and sunny? when kids could run bare foot in the grass? yeah, neither would i if i didn't have this picture to remind me! these are little bean's sweet little toes... well, not so little anymore. i felt the need to take the picture because she is growing so gosh darn fast! i know from experience that i won't remember this a year from now. the amazing thing is- her feet don't look dirty. she had been outside playing for a couple hours, how could they still look this pristine??? magic teflon feet??? no probably not. she just hadn't found the "good" dirt yet. ;) don't forget to stop my tracey's to see more "best shots". she also has a contest going on over there... if you like prizes you should stop by and check it out!!

Weather bad? Buy a sandbox!

yes, can you believe on this cold and rainy day we actually went out and bought bean a sandbox? it is her birthday present. "what, what!" you say, "her birthday isn't until july!" this is true. HOWEVER, she has taken to digging in the yard, gardens, etc, with a stick or rock or even her fingers. so to save the grass and impending flowers we delivered her sandbox early so she can dig properly- you know, in the sand with a shovel. so picture her father and i in the back yard. it is raining and VERY cold. we place the sandbox, fill it with sand, then put two bags of mulch around the outside of it. my hands are completely numb as i am raking the mulch out. WHY are we doing this?!? (why don't i have on a warmer coat?!?) it isn't like she can come out and play in it! why on earth didn't we leave it in the garage until the weather broke?? what kind of morons are we?? ah yes, we are the kind that loves their child so intensely that they have lost all sense of reason! or some such nonsense! someone needs to give us a good swift kick in the behind or something- you know, knock some sense into us for god's sake! ;)

in other news... i had two friends deliver happy, healthy baby boys this past wednesday just over an hour apart- unfortunately they are both too far away for us to go visit! boo! our congratulations and love go out the the sweet new babies anyways!! he he!

Hooray for Friday the 13th!

ok. so, the bean wakes up this morning. no fever- 98.5 on the digital thermometer. so you think that things would be super right? not so much. she was whiny, tired, EVERYTHING upset her. she eventually got over it but it was a very LONG morning.
it did get better, thank goodness. i think the fact that it was nice outside helped. we got to leave the house and play OUTSIDE! we've had such a nasty cold snap with lots of rain and general yuck so playing in the yard kinda ground to a halt. she ran, she swang, rode on her new little car that she got for easter- you know the usual good stuff. then we did pictures with a branch of flowers that i broke off a bush for her. she was her happy little self again.

oh... the sass. she is turning into a tiny little sassing machine! what the heck happened?!? she used to be so sweet- rarely said the word "no" (scouts honor!). the bean is testing us and it is NOT cool. really, i know we will be fine... it is an adjustment. yeah, that's it. ;)

Why is it that children only get sick in the middle of the night?

starting at about 11:00 last night i heard bean mumbling and moaning. nothing much, just quite rambles. it stopped after about 5 minutes. an hour or so later she does it again.... this continues until about 5:26 when she is crying. it actually sounds fake and forced but i decide to check on her. she is HOT. i'm way too tired to take her temperature and don't want to wake her up that way. i put her in bed with me. she snuggles up against me with her soft, sweet smelling hair in my face. she says "wuv mommy." sounds great right? it is nice to snuggle with a child that normally won't sit still for a snuggle BUT she is snoring and burning me with her flesh. i CAN'T fall back to sleep- she sleeps until 8:45. sigh. her temp is 102.2. she hates children's tylenol. she is clinging to me and giving me her sad little sick girl look. such a fabulous morning.
it never fails, this child only gets sick at night. she goes to sleep perfectly healthy wakes up all pathetic and sad looking. why oh why does it happen this way?!?

Oh Build a Bear!

bean got to go to build a bear this past weekend. her aunt and great aunts decided that it would be just the thing to do. i thought that she might be a little too young to do it but since i wasn't paying... what the hell! ;)
let's say that i was right. yes, she is too young. she couldn't push the foot peddle hard enough to stuff her bear and she didn't really understand what was going on. BUT did she totally love the bear she got in the end- hell yeah! look at the hug she is giving "teddy" (that is what she named him), that is one INTENSE hug!!!! teddy then got a hawaiian style shirt and camo flip flops, i guess he is a beach bear! it was fun for all the family... this may have been more for them than bean in a way! he he he!
but come to think of it, that is true for most things that you do in your child's first few years of life. they don't get it and won't remember it but you do and will. making moments to remember and cherish because they grow up too gosh darn fast! i guess that it what our trip to build a bear was really about. spending time with family and creating a memory that will last our lifetime.

When did Easter become Christmas??

i'm not complaining. truly.

but, i never got real gifts for easter. easter was not a gift giving holiday in my family. when we were too young for candy we got one toy in our basket. when we were older we got candy and maybe a pair of earrings or hot wheels car or something costing less than $5. my grandparents usually sent a card. nothing from aunts and uncles. so when we go to the in laws and have easter it kinda blows my mind how much stuff little bean gets. it is on the lines of what most kids get for christmas... no joke! it is no exaggeration to say that she got 9 easter "baskets" (i'm using this term loosely) this year between both families and a few friends (what?!). i won't go into details- let's just day my child wants for nothing! NOTHING!

on a different note... how bad of a parent am i that i let my child wear shoes that were one and a half sizes too small for her!?!?! in my defense i'd like to say that i got her easter shoes a few weeks before she was going to be wearing them. they were a little big at the time. easter sunday rolls around- they fit tightly! what?!?! they were size 5, i take her to the store and have her feet measured- they say she needs a 6 1/2 to be sure that she will be able to wear them for a little while. oh yeah, she was wearing size 4 1/2 shoes at the store... i felt like an ass. BUT, holy cow! did her feet really grow that much in just a few weeks???? it doesn't seems possible, but i'm sure it is. now what do i do with the 3 pairs of size 5 shoes that she just got in the past month???? sigh.

Sweet!

it's friday, hooray! today's theme is "sweet". my picture is of bean (big surprise). i was searching my files of pictures looking for just the right one and there it was... nothing could be sweeter than this picture of little bean on the day she was born- NOTHING! ok, maybe i am a little biased... ;) HA! i sure had fun being "snap happy" with tracey this week, hope you did too!

we are about to leave on our spring break trip- 7 hours in the car! blah! hopefully the traffic gods will be with us... i don't want to think about a traffic jam with a toddler in the car! although we do have the dvd player all set to go with a near limitless supply of child friendly titles thanks to grandma and grandpa... HA HA!!

hope you all have a lovely easter weekend! "see" you next week!

Play!

it's thursday and the theme is "play". little bean got some sidewalk chalk and we were trying it out. it is fun to scribble on the sidewalk! hooray! look at the intense concentration- the tongue always sticks out when she is trying hard! HA! anyways, hope you enjoy every one's "play" pictures over at tracey's. oh, and tomorrow's theme... "sweet".

bean was trying to sing "brown eyed girl" yesterday. what a hoot!
then, she was running around with a sun dress in her hand. she wanted me to put it on her. she was shouting "i be cute in it! mommy, i be cute!" he he he! you never know what is going to be said at our house! :)

Friends!

it's wednesday and the theme is "friends"! i took this one of little bean sharing a snack with her best friend bubba and another little man from playgroup. let's just say bean and bubba weren't real interested in getting their picture taken... i was getting a slightly annoyed vibe from them! and getting three children to look good in a photo... near impossible! HA! so, this isn't the most beautiful photo of friends but you take what you can get with toddlers! i do like the fact that bubba is holding bean's foot though. they are cute like that! tune in tomorrow when the theme is "play". also, don't forget to go visit tracey and see everyone else's "friends"!

so yeah, yesterday it was 81 outside, today... currently 33!! sigh. why oh why must mother nature punish us this way. all bean wants to do is go outside and play but it is too cold! she is not really understanding. who would? yesterday she was wearing a tank top and running bare foot in the grass today she needs a winter coat and mittens!

we colored easter eggs today before nap... bean has blue fingernails now! he he! it was fun even though it was quite messy. ahhhhh, good times.

It's spring... again!

go me! the bean and i walked in the wooded area near our house and i took a picture that she was NOT IN! oh my word! and, guess what!? i like it! pretty little flowers poking through the dead leaves, now that IS spring!

now, i need to complain. it is currently 80 degrees outside. tomorrow's high is... 45!!!!!!! there is actually a chance of snow in the morning. WHAT?!?!?! mother nature is toying with me and i'm not amused, not one bit! i like winter and all but it has officially turned to spring and i'm really not willing to go back! there, i said what i needed to say, now i'm going back outside to enjoy what is left of this beautiful day!

SPRING!

tracey at picture this decided to have a little fun during her spring break. everyday there is a new theme! today's is spring, and what says spring better than daffodils?!? check back tomorrow and see the next theme- friends!

while looking for a picture that said "spring" to me i realized something. i haven't taken a picture that didn't include my daughter in a really long time- i think maybe since she was born!!! i guess that really shows how much my life revolves around her. i don't know what my life would be if there was no her. she is the reason that i get up, the thing that keeps me going when i want to quit. wow.
still, i probably should take pictures of something else once in awhile. if for no other reason than to teach her how to take pictures of things that she loves. right?

Best Shot Monday

here we are, it is monday again! this is my best shot monday- little bean with muddy fingers. for some reason she was digging her little fingers into the mud then running over to show me and daddy. she really likes to dig! why was she only using two fingers this time?? i have NO idea but it was pretty funny. she sure keeps things interesting!
to see more best shot monday pictures visit tracey!!!

have a lovely monday! :)

My little Tiger(ess) Woods

little bean went shopping with her daddy yesterday. they came home with a little set of golf clubs. now just so you know, they say ages 4 and up on the package but that didn't stop daddy- heck no! he tells me he thinks that she will be just fine with them even though she is just 21 months. the bean WAS awfully excited about going outside and playing with her clubs, i had to admit. i quickly noticed however that she really can't do it. she doesn't have the coordination or patience to golf. pick up the ball and carry it over to the "hole" that came with the set- yes! carry the clubs around the yard- yes! say repeatedly, "i play golf!"- yes! actually hit the ball with the club without help- not so much. did she have a ton of fun and not want to come inside when it started to rain- yes! so in conclusion, age appropriate- no! super fun anyways- YES!