i've been struggling all week with writing a post. it seems like everything i think of is negative- and who wants to listen to that crap. i'm trying to come up with happy thoughts and fun stuff to write about but it just isn't there. it isn't that i'm physically unwell- other than being very tired, i feel fine on the outside. it is the inside that isn't doing so well.
see, i haven't yet felt good about this pregnancy. i haven't been happy or excited. i feel indifferent in every way. i thought when i had the ultrasound it would be the thing to make me excited- i mean come on, who wouldn't feel good seeing their baby squirm and wiggle? me i guess. my thoughts were "yep, it's a baby". no emotion, no nothing.
things have gotten progressively worse. i feel awful all the time. i want to cry but can't because i can't cry in front of my daughter. i'm alone 80% of the time- just me and the bean. what am i going to do when this new one is born?? how will i cope?? if i want to cry all the time now, what am i going to do then?? am i a terrible mother because i can't seem to love my unborn child??
there, i got it off my chest. sorry to be such a downer... i was just hoping i'd feel better if i wrote it down. sigh.
5 comments:
I could kick you for not talking to me about this! I have a phone,you know, or an email address! (Ok, I won't kick you...but only because it's not nice to kick pregnant women.)
I think it's very normal to feel this way. I was terrified when we found out about Matthew! There were many times when I just thought "please stay in there, because I don't think I can do this." HECK I still don't think I can do it.
You WILL love your baby. The moment that baby is in your arms, you will love that baby as much as you love Bean.
These emotions are very normal. Your hormones are all crazy, so crying is ok! I still cry at least twice a week. Lock yourself in the bathroom or something, to cry, if you don't let it out, you won't feel better! Sometimes a REALLY good cry can make a person feel 100 times better!
Adam and I love you :) And I am here for you, if you need me!
Im so sorry you are feeling this way but i really beleive its completly normal. I remember many times crying through out my second pregnancy wondering how i would ever cope. I never thought i could love another child the same ways and i would sometimes go days without thinking about the baby , i worried about bonding with the new baby and that Rebecca would always be my faviroute.
The moment Eilidh was born though it all changed, some days are tough and its hard coping with two - but somedays are wonderful and seing my two play/interact is just wonderful. Its great sometimes being able to kick back and relax while the kids play.
yep. it is that second pregnancy (or maybe every pregnancy after the first?) hormones. very normal. i think we ALL went through it. still go through it. you spend all your energy and time dealing with the baby that is right in front of you 24 hours a day, the very "real" one that is demanding something and there just isn't a lot leftover for the not-so-real yet baby.
but that "tiny" bean is going to win you over the minute he/she is born and then you'll wonder how/what you ever did with just one!
sending huge ((hugs)) over to you!
and i agree with brittany. lock yourself in the bathroom and have a good ol' cry. the snotty nose, sopping wet kind - and i guarantee you'll feel better.
Oh honey! I've only been through the pregnancy thing once so I can't offer and "been there done that" advice, but you are NOT the first person I've known to feel this way the second time ago. I really do think it's normal. You are so focussed on being the best mom you can to Bean, plus dealing with the exhaustion and hormones of pregnancy...and you just don't have the energy to dwell on the Little Bean. The idea of parenting two little ones IS scary! But once this baby is here and you look into his/her eyes...you will fall in love. and it will all be so worth it. but until then, it's okay to not feel happy and excited. give yourself permission to cry and stop with the guilt. Hugs!
Listen to those sensible ladies. I really, really, hope you feel better just for writing it down. On a positive note, that is a great photo of Bean with the sunglasses. She is going to be a great 'big sister' you know. More hugs from a distance......
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